3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize