i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
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If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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