i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
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We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
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And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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