i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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