remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
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you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
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Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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