Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
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we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
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Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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