I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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