when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
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So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
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MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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