Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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