I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
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He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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