those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
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Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
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There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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