Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
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Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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