I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
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i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
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On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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