I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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