Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize