I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Sorry about my life...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize