He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
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My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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