So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
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I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
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I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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