Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He passed out mid-signature
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
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The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
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Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize