Just fell off a train. Bad.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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