he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize