Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
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I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
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But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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