I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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