He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
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I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
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The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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