i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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