Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
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You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
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i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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