I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
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I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize