I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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