i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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