I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize