I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
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i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
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There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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