And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
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i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
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Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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