Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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