I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
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life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
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We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Come on in and take your pants off
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