apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
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Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize