We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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