Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
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Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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