i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
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it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
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I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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