My hair reeks of homosexuality.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
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i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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