i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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