Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
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Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
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I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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