running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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