a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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