Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
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