I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
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The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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