Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
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Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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