So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
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It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
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I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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