it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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