i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
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judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Let's get the cat blown out
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The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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