Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
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It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
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It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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